piątek, 25 listopada 2016

Dreams

What do they mean? 
Some believe they tell us the future, some that it shows us what we are concerned about or just that it's our brain's way of analyzing and storing information but maybe there's more to it. 
What if there's a dream that comes back over and over again or different dreams with the same theme or person involved that come at very specific times. 
Sometimes I wonder if there's any metaphysical connection that forms when other ways of contact are impossible. I don't believe in anything I can't sense and even in many things I can sense I don't believe but believing vs. wondering and wishing are two different things. 
Regret and wonder if we could've done more, if we could've tried harder, if we could've spend more time and effort...
Would it change anything? 
Wouldn't it be cool if we could go back in time remembering what will happen and change the future-present? Or if we could know our options of the outcomes while making major decisions? 
Maybe it would suck too if all of them would turn out to be shit. We'll never know but at least we can wonder and imagine.
In a way I love to dream and do things that are unavailable for me in this life but sometimes they make me realize how much I'm missing and how little there is that I can do about it.

|Grace ft. G-easy - You Don't Own Me

wtorek, 15 listopada 2016

Niebiesko mi

Są takie rzeczy, które w głębi duszy po prostu wiemy. Nie chcemy w nie wierzyć, więc sobie tłumaczymy, że to nie tak, że to tylko przeczucie, a tak naprawdę to nawet nie przeczucie tylko czarne myśli. Żyjemy więc sobie spokojnie odsuwając na bok paranoje, trzymając je jak najbliżej końca pola widzenia, rozmazane więc nie tak realne. 
I czekamy na nieuniknione. Zegar tyka coraz głośniej. Tętno jest coraz szybsze. Wszystkie znaki na niebie i ziemi wskazują, że już się nie wywiniemy. My jednak dalej uparcie trzymamy się wersji, że będzie dobrze, jest dobrze, nic się nie dzieje, a te czarne chmury to tylko na chwilkę.
Ile to razy już próbowałam przezwyciężyć przeznaczenie, zawsze z tym samym skutkiem. 
A może ja specjalnie wybieram sobie złą drogę, zawsze krętą i przez las? Tylko dlaczego? Może to strach? Tylko przed czym? Przed rutyną? Rutyna nie jest taka zła. Przed byciem przeciętną? To mi chyba nie grozi. Przed samotnością? Człowiek jest najbardziej samotny wśród ludzi. Przed brakiem spełnienia? Czym jest spełnienie? Czy jest w ogóle możliwe? A może mi po prostu brakuje cierpliwości? Albo równowagi psychicznej? Czego mi brakuje, żeby móc być szczęśliwym człowiekiem na właściwej drodze w słoneczny dzień?

|Suicide Squad soundtrack - Gangsta- Kehlani

środa, 9 listopada 2016

Nawiedzona manipulatorka

Bo widocznie są gdzieś normalne, fajne dziewczyny - bez wymagań, bez ograniczeń i bez głosu.

Dziękuję dobranoc.

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A pokochać można kogo tylko się chce i kiedy się chce, szkoda tylko, że płci do kochania nie można wybrać.

Chociaż wszystko to i tak bez różnicy.

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Czy tylko ja mam czasami wrażenie, że od  zwariowania dzieli mnie tylko wola, że w każdej chwili mogłabym po prostu przestać być normalnym człowiekiem i zostać kompletnym świrem, psychopatą. Gdyby nie więzi i jakieś tam osiągnięcia to czy pozwoliłabym sobie na zostanie psychopatą?

|21 Pilots - Heathens

wtorek, 1 listopada 2016

Bedtime story

Once upon a time in a reality far, far away (because universe is becoming too small) existed a soul lost in time that didn't exist. 

The end. 

It existed it's non-existence quite happily not thinking, not doing, not feeling - until one horrible day something unthinkable happened. 
It got a body. A human body in our reality.

The beginning.

First It was just few cells but soon enough It got a heart beat, nerves, It could feel, hear, taste and see. But the horror was still to come. The life wasn't born yet. 
There were vibrations and changes in light and some voices that didn't make any sense, that surrounded It. There were also some sounds that were rather regular and mostly predictable and those were more acceptable - bubbles, beats, murmurs... After some time It started to recognize some of the voices. There was one that was more prominent, closer, almost always there. The life felt its presence at all times, watching over. 
Then there was also other voice that felt nice. It was more distant but it made the environment calm. 
Sometimes some sudden noise, move or flash happened that made It shake its tiny little body but then at once the voice and soothing vibrations were appearing and it was all ok again. 
The little life was discovering its surrounding and itself slowly, It was growing and developing very fast, unknowingly getting ready to what was to come. When It was finally comfortable in its new location something bad started happening again. The pressure was rising, the warm fluid that was its environment got flushed away and the hormones were shouting 'danger!'. 
It lasted what seemed to be forever but as all things finally came to an end.

New beginning. 

It was cold, bright, loud and smelly. The stimuli were everywhere and all tenths of times too strong. Everything seemed strange, scary and awful. Little body was squeezed for so long that every inch of it was hurting but now at least the pressure was gone. 
And then from in between all these unknown stimuli something familiarish became to come to Its little senses. This voice that was present for so long, changed, louder but it was it. The smell. The warmth. This regular sound 'lub-dub lub-dub' so much quieter but it was familiar. Everything became a little better, just a little but for now it was enough. 
It was exhausted and anxious. Good thing they gave It that soft thing to suck. 
Oh, finally something good. Food. 
'I deserve some food after all I've been through' - It would have thought if It new what 'deserve', 'food' and to 'be through' means; and then the sleep came.

Later it all became about getting to know things and learning to communicate Its needs to those two big funny people - 'mom' and 'dad'. Very frustrating. They seem ok but at times they don't get anything.
Sometimes it just didn't want to be alone, or was tired and they would just give it the boob. Boob was great and all but it didn't solve everything. 

And one day it all started to make more sense. Those sounds are more complicated. It's some kind of kode. 'Um' means 'food'.
That's a start. 

Then the life happened. 
It started to think of some goals and accomplish them.
It started to try new things and experience new sensations. 
It kept discovering the world. 
It even brought a life of its own from the other reality. 

Then after many, many, many, few years It died happily ever after. 

The end. 

Or is it the new beginning of more comfortable state of not existing? 

One day we'll all get to know that. One day - but not today. Our life journey is yet to continue.