piątek, 8 kwietnia 2011

me grumbling

Lately I've been thinking a lot about people. And more precisely.. about relations, relationships and the way they go in time. I'm trying to find few couples i know that are together for years and don't seem to be unhappy. Not only in between people my age but also elders. Family, friends, strangers. 
The one thing I've realized is that no couple is happy. Everyone is having some problems. First we ignore them, try to compromise and then we just see that its too much. Once we give up fighting because case is not more important then 'us', twice we give up, trice... hundred times.. and then we see that we're not the same, that we're holding hand of a person that is different then when we've met, and we just don't know how all this happen and where those cool people, that we loved so much, went. 
I'm sure of one thing. It's not time only that changed us so much. It's us. We are changing people we love to people we can't stand. And they go for it because they love us. And they change us same way. And we don't even see how wrong it is. And we're not even realizing what is happening. What we know is that something changed and that we don't like it. 
But then we think that it changed for good, right? So why we don't like it?
Well if the person we've loved for being carefree and spontaneous we've tough to be responsible and stable because we want something more then just adventure, then that sounds like a good thing, doesn't it?
So we should be happy with the person we love and that s/he changed for good, right? 
And everything should be like in fairytale. 
So why it's not?
Maybe because.. we don't want this thing we think we need? Maybe what we need is what we get and we should be happy with it. 
When boy meets a girl he starts liking her because he thinks she's perfect? I don't think so.
He likes her because there's some good things in her and some bad. 
Example. Boy. Handsome, cute, charming, smart, popular. Sounds like all bunch of 'good things'. But if we think more carefully we can see that it's not that wonderful. Let's say this boy have a girl. Girl loves him. She wants to spend as much time with him as possible and she's little jealous about him going out all time to see other people. He used to go to gym, he stopped. He used to go to parties almost everyday, he stopped. He used to talk to many people, he rejected them. So now we get a boy that's frustrated because he feels like so much in his life changed, so many things he's missing up, that he's in trap , and a girl that's unhappy because her boy is not the boy she's met and he's unhappy and she can't help it no matter what she's doing and she sees that he's going farther and farther. And lets add girl not doing what she used to. Now she don't have time to write, to hang out with friends, to do 'her stuff'. Then suspicions or even a disloyalty may occur. Same things happen other way around. And if they would hold on to their activities they would be little more happy. But other things in their lifestyle and personalities would change. Because we can't eat a cookie and have a cookie.
So we find two people who loved each other so much finding themselves so far one from another. They don't know person sitting next to them. They don't want to finish relationship because they still remember how perfect it was and they still hope it can be same some how. And it gets worse and worse and worse. They start to jump to each other's throats, and earlier or later it'll all end. If they'll get lucky the feelings will burn out if not then pain will burn their hearts.
I don't know about other cultures but in our European it's widely spread. 
Maybe it's because women got their voice. 
Maybe because people don't try to accept each other the way they are.
And maybe it's because we've lost our features and place. 
I'm not saying that women should stay in the kitchen and cook, because believe me i would hate it myself. But men need to know they are head of a family and women should be a neck. 
But now women try to be head and neck. And i don't think that can happen.
[Ok... feminists would eat me alive if they would read this ;p but i'm a girl so.. at least they're not gonna call me chauvinist.]

Well I'm not saying it's bad to try to make something perfect. But we need to think what that perfect is, if it's possible and if we want anything to be perfect.
Perfect = boring.
There's no hot without cold.
No happiness without sadness.
No love without hate.

I'm still going to think about it and maybe I'll get more conclusions.
My conclusion for today: no relationship till I'll get it worked out. 
It just hurts to much to see something unperfectly perfect instead of perfectly unperfect.

15 komentarzy:

  1. Dear writer,
    I happen to stumble upon your post. I think you present some very real and interesting observations about how one might view relationships. I want you to know and be encouraged by the fact that there are perfect relationships AND they are not boring :) I know many people who have happy relationships with God (I mean Jesus, from the bible). I have one myself. I say this, not to boast, but to say that you can experience this relationship as well. People who don't know someone perfect are incapable of striving for perfection. There is no point of reference or standard from which to learn and grow toward perfection. Not that it is possible, but I'd rather be in a relationship with someone who is growing toward perfection verses someone who is wandering around and happens to cross into momentarily perfect actions. Knowing Christ is real. It's possible and you have to check it out in order to experience what I am talking about. There is no doubt in my mind that I did not just stumble on your site and read your thought. God wants you to know His perfect love towards you. He LOVES YOU perfectly! That's such a beautiful thing. If you want to check out my site, it's http://christisallthatmatters.blogspot.com/

  2. I ran across your blog when hitting the next blog button at the top. Your topic you wrote about intrigued me. Coming from the US I may or may not have a different opinion than what you just voiced, but I think I fall somewhat in line with what you are saying. Let me explain.

    I have been married for coming close to 2 years now. Granted I don't have the long standing relationship maybe like what you are referring to, but I do know happy elderly couples and I know that it is attainable.

    My husband is wonderful and perfect (for me), though I would never call him perfect. He has his faults and so do I. We sure let each other know it at times... But I love our relationship. Sometimes I feel like we just started dating and we are discovering each other once again.

    The key for us is communication. We have had big arguments. Normally though we find the big arguments stem from something smaller that we have let go too long before confronting. Once we deal with the little stuff that has become big, we are in great spirits with each other again.

    Also with communication it is understood that there is give and take. I accept that my husband is the head of the household and that I am to support him in what he does. I don't mind taking a more submissive role. This does mean that I don't get everything I want, but then again, neither does he. It is simply, when it comes to certain decisions, he gets the final word. That is fine. When you are dealing with more than one person you will never get full agreement all the time. So at times I sacrifice wants and other times he does, but as the head of household he gets to make certain decisions.

    I know feminism stems from a desire to be equal to men, but what I think was missing to begin with is that we are equal to men. Me being a submissive wife, does not mean I take the back seat, rather that we have a defined partnership that allows us to function as a couple successfully. If we were both trying to be "#1" this would not be possible.

    I guess basically, I love my husband and I choose to everyday regardless of how I feel about him that particular day. I also know that treating it so, I will always come across my share of days where I feel like I've discovered him for the first time again. :-)

  3. hola tronca!

    It is the same all over the world.

    Things go up and then, down, and then, maybe up again.
    And it is never the same and we continue looking for, expecting, searching for.

    For Hapiness, indeed.

    and I'll tell you something that you don't need to believe.

    Hapiness is inside of you, love is inside you, harmony is inside of you and inside of you is the place yo have to dwell for not beeing bothered by the comes and goes of this dual world we live in.

    You may take the chance and discover.

    I was wandering around blogs, met yours and i like the way you drink your tea.
    This is why i writte you.

    Visit www wopg.com and find more information and if you like it dont forget i was the first.

    I like share love.

    pasalo bien!!

  4. Nie ma związków idealnych,ale są niektóre długotrwałe przez wzgląd na :dzieci,rodzinę a takiego zwiąku nikomu nie życzę...http://wiecznedzieci.blogspot.com/

  5. Jestem w związku już od 9 lat i jesteśmy szczęśliwi.. w tym czasie byliśmy świadkami jak wiele z naszych znajomych było w związkach rozstawali się i poznawali nowe osoby i znów się zakochiwali i tak w kółko.. Nie wiem z czego to wynika, że ludzie nie potrafią się dogadać po latach, albo coś im nagle nie pasuje.. ale istnieją pary które przetrwają i są naprawdę szczęśliwe :) Czego i Tobie autorko życzę :)

  6. as i hope mt girlfriend won;t find this, i agree, relationships are tough, complicated, and flip a coin, rarely worth. Here in the states we talk about a divorece rate of 50%. not sure how much truth is in this stat, but its enough to make a person wonder the point in marriage.

    Its easy to forget, that in the confines of relationship, love means sickness and health

  7. Wow fajny blog, niebardzo umiem angielski ale na tyle żeby zrozumieć i poczytać dobre posty starczyło, pozdrawiam

  8. obserwuję Panią;)
    ciekawie, ciekawe!

  9. jestem pod wrażeniem tego bloga :)
    dodaję, bo jest naprawdę świetny.
    muszę powiedzieć, że oczka na nagłówku mają w sobie coś magicznego ;-*

  10. It takes two whole people to make a relationship. If one person is incomplete, they will build up the other person in the relationship to be their "missing piece". Relationships that fell apart were because the two people were not "whole". Good piece though. Follow.

  11. Świetny angielski, gratuluje!
    Poza tym to uważam, że miłość nie istnieje.

    Buzz ;))

    http://made-in-marta.blogspot.com/ - zapraszam do siebie, byłoby mi bardzo miło ;)) !

  12. Świetnie piszesz. Naprawdę zaciekawił mnie Twój blog :-) Gratulejszyns, świetnie władasz angielskim! : oŚwietnie piszesz. Naprawdę zaciekawił mnie Twój blog :-) Gratulejszyns, świetnie władasz angielskim! : o

  13. przyznam że zabierałem się do tej notki jak pies do jeża ^^' choć z drugiej strony to właśnie ta oporność trzyma mnie w tej anglojęzycznej słabiźnie.

    gdybym mógł tu pisać kolorem tła, to pewnie napisałbym nieco więcej. chociaż może lepiej nie.

    generalnie jak pomyślę o dłuższych związkach wśród znajomych, przypomina mi się jedna para. i to raczej burzliwy związek z tego co pamiętam. a o samym jego dalszym istnieniu dowiedziałem się z tego takiego popularnego portalu społecznościowego. fejs... dąb, bodajże.

    ludzie zmieniają się wzajemnie, fakt. w sumie na jeszcze więcej sposobów.
    a jeśli chodzi o ten czaso-problem, to może on działać też w drugą stronę. bo to, że ludki same sobie ograniczają czas na swoje wcześniejsze zajęcia, to jedno. ale czasem może pojawić się też drugie: pojawiają się nowe zajęcia/obowiązki (studia, praca), które jeszcze bardziej ograniczają pole manewru, że tak to ujmę. czasem może się okazać, że 'jedyna' wolna chwila w tygodniu jest jedyną chwilą na poświęcenie drugiej osobie. i tyle zostaje z czasu 'dla siebie'. a potem pewnego razu wracam o drugiej wnocy i mam wszystkiego dość (choć nie przypisywałbym temu rangi decydującej).
    a niby dla chcącego nic trudnego. gorzej jak się w pewnym momencie zaczyna odechciewać. ale tu chyba trochę zbaczam z tematu.

    no i ten paradoks :D albo źle, albo nudno, więc też źle ;]
    chociaż opierając się na wnioskach osobistych, widzę przynajmniej kilka szczelin w tej blokadzie. ale to dość specyficzne uwarunkowania.

    no nic.

    twarda konkluzja.
    ja bym wymiękł.

    "No happiness without sadness." - (ręce zawieszone nad klawiaturą w głębokiej ekspresji, jednak bez zezwolenia na wciśnięcie proponowanych kombinacji klawiszy)

    // piec kaflowy?

  14. Ano piec kaflowy. Co do reszty nie wiem co powiedzieć. Może tyle, że jest lepiej. Kolor tła jest ok.